Not Today Satan

Have you ever felt like Satan was trying his best to break you?

Wouldn’t it make him so happy if we just gave up on life and living out our purpose? I have especially felt that way lately so I decided to seek out a shirt with this saying on it.

It all started on June 11 of this year. Not many people knew but we were expecting our third baby. And on this day, I started bleeding and it inevitably led to a miscarriage. I was devastated. I didn’t see it coming since we had had two healthy pregnancies and babies before. No one tells you that the worst part of miscarrying early is that you basically flush what you know was your baby down the toilet. It feels so wrong. Also, the grief is grieving everything that would have been. Would it have been the one girl you’ve hoped for? What are they like? You just want to know them. The hope I have in Christ and meeting Harper someday in heaven is what got me through. And there are so many reminders of the hurt…every time you see someone with their name and every time you see a newborn or pregnant mama. You’re happy Jesus has got them and they never had to experience the hardships of this life but it hurts so much to not get to be with them and do this life with them.

If you’ve experienced a loss, I feel you mama.

I wish I could say this is the only thing we’ve struggled with lately but that would be a lie. We then had an emergency room visit because of a ruptured cyst. My oldest son and I started to have worsening symptoms of things we had struggled with and got sick. We found out that it was from mold in our rental home. We since then have moved and will move again in one month when our new house is finally done.

It turns out that Ashton has Lyme disease and PANS. We waited so long for this answer and a step forward in helping him. I praise God for a diagnosis and starting treatment but it is still rough. I’m still awaiting my Lyme results but we think I passed it to him during pregnancy. We prayed for an answer to my health issues after the miscarriage so we could get me healthy. God is answering our prayers.

The stress of moving and getting rid of things, the thousands of dollars for medical tests and actually executing all those tests, the stress of figuring out how to do medications and special diets, the stress of building and just normal life have been too much for me on days. Some days, I just wanted to give up.

God works everything for His good though. If it wasn’t for the mold, it wouldn’t have amplified the Lyme symptoms as much and we likely wouldn’t have caught it when we did. My in-laws hadn’t sold their house even though they had moved so that allowed a place for us to stay. My sister-in-law didn’t use the mattress we had given her so that gave us a bed to use when we got rid of all our mattresses and pillows. God has blessed us and allowed us to pay for so many unexpected medical costs. Sometimes you have to recognize the good. Find the silver lining.

The main point I want to make is God is good. Despite all of these trials, God has given me the strength to keep going. I’m not going to lie…there were days I didn’t feel like it. I felt depressed plenty of days. I felt like I was going to die before we got out of the rental but here I am alive and feeling much better. He delivered me out of that situation. He has provided for us and allowed us to be able to get the treatments we need. I still have my sanity. You never realize how much you can handle until you go through it. God will make Himself known when you feel so alone in what you’re going through. He’s there for you too.

We’re not out of the darkness yet but God is walking beside us. I could not have got through this without Him. I wanted to share my story so that others could find hope that they can get through their struggles too. You’re not alone. Keep fighting. Live out your purpose in life. Don’t let your circumstances shut you down.